Confessions

When I was a week late I realized that I must be pregnant.  Wow.  In a juvenille way I thought to myself, “how did this happen?”  Of course I knew how it happened.  We even planned for it.  Although, here is my first confession…I am pretty sure neither of us actually thought we would be successful.

It took us the better part of 5 years to become parents the first time.  Our mental state in attempting to expand our family was quite open – it will just happen if it’s meant to be.  If not…we can go on from here fully blessed.

Before I go on with my “confessions” I do want to say that Scott  & I are thrilled to be expecting another babe.  God has been merciful and kind.  We have much love to give and look forward to seeing Arjen as a big brother.  That being said…here are my confessions:

I BOUGHT AN OFF BRAND TEST ON MY WAY TO WORK and took the test five minutes before my client arrived.  Seriously. The lines turned pink immediately.  And I laughed.  Out loud to myself in the bathroom.  It kind of reminded me of when Sarah found out she was carrying a child in the Bible.  Same kind of laughter – disbelief mixed with joy mixed with terror.

THAT NIGHT WHEN I PUT ARJEN TO BED I CRIED and told him I was “so sorry”.  Weeping loud sobs into my child’s soft hair. Now listen, I know a sibling is a great gift to give.  Maybe the best.  But at that/this point he has all my love.  All my mothering.  All my attention.  It’s hard to imagine sharing the depth of love that I have with another.

And because of the above, I HAVE THIS DESIRE TO APOLOGIZE TO MY YOUNGER SISTER (which of course I won’t ) for taking up all the “first” love.  I don’t even really know what this means?  But sadly, the joke about there being scads of photos, journals, and videos documenting the first born and next to nothing for the second born…it’s true.  And I somehow feel responsible.

And for my final confession, I DIDN’T CRY AT MY ULTRASOUND.  I mean, I got a lump in my throat and was really amazed to see this life growing inside of me…but I didn’t cry.  Aren’t you supposed to?  I almost felt like faking it so that the ultrasound tech wouldn’t write in big red letters on my file, “DIDN’T CRY”.

Sometimes it just feels good to admit things.

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